Sora VS Teh Pepperoni Pizza!
by Neassa
Summary: SLIGHT KH2 SPOILERS! What happens when a groggy Sora is hungry and the only thing to eat in his freezer is a pepperoni pizza? Riku is an evil matermind trying to drive Sora insane, pepperoni pizzas are five star generals, and other crazy stuff! Please R


Neassa: Wow. I've been posting a lot of one-shots lately, ne? Anyhoo, this popped into my head when I was trying to pick the pepperonis off of a French-bread frozen pizza yyy...yesterday I think... can't quie remember, it was either yesterday or today. Yes, this is what randomly pops into my head at times. Dont get mad at me because I'm doing this and not my main story, 'The Wrath of the DDR Maching O' DOOM!'. It's just so I'll get some other creativity out of my body so I can channel the kind of creativity I need to write on taht story! See? It's for the good of both story and one-shot! Besides, I felt as though poor Sora was neglected! I just couldn't let that be, now could I? Enjoy and R&R! On with the one-shot!

* * *

It all started with a simple mistake, one that didn't even seem relevant at the time. An innocent shopper with brown hair that defied the laws of gravity was in the Frozen Foods section in the multi mart in Destiny Islands. 

He accidentally grabbed a pepperoni French bread pizza instead of cheese.

No big deal, right? Just pick off the pepperonis, right?

It should be so simple…

* * *

Sora yawned and sat up in his window-side bed. He glanced at his clock, 12:45 p.m. Not bad for a Saturday, right? 

The young keyblader yawned again and ran a hand through his physics-defying brown hair. He stumbled out of bed and reached into his closet, pulling out the first thing his fingers touched, a grey, hooded, T-shirt, and pulled it over his head, snagging it on his hair several times.

He glanced down at his black sweat pants with his stunning blue eyes that made his girlfriend, Kairi, swoon every time she saw him, and decided to leave them be. No reason to waste precious, pre-coffee, energy on such trivial matters.

He tripped over his backpack into the hall and managed to get down the stairs with virtually zero mishaps.

Unless you count him falling down the stairs.

Twice.

He pulled himself off the bed of pillows and mentally thanked his mother for putting them at the base of the stairs when she left for work that morning, apparently knowing he would be out of it, as he was every Saturday morning, and that he would wind up falling down the stairs.

Sora dragged himself into his kitchen and put some pre-ground coffee beans into the coffee machine he had gotten for Christmas from his Geography teacher after he had shown up half-asleep in her class one Monday in his paopu pajamas.

He poured some water in the machine and turned it on, smiling as the smell of fresh coffee reached his nose. He went towards the refrigerator/freezer in the middle of the kitchen, deciding against toast with Nutella on it that morning, as he wasn't in the mood for it.

He pulled out a box with frozen pizza inside, planning on just shoving it into the microwave. He scowled as he pulled the pizza out of the box. It was one of those French bread pizzas that were what everyone took to school nowadays to heat up in the microwave, but the problem with Sora's pizza was that it had pepperonis on it.

Sora hated pepperoni.

He grimaced and tried to pick the frozen pieces of meat out of the frozen pizza sauce, however if you've ever tried to do this, you know how hard it is if you have no fingernails. Sora had no fingernails because he had a bad habit of biting them.

Sora growled and continued to try to pry off the oddly shaped pepperonis.

Failing at that, Sora looked about with shifty eyes and called the Bond of Flame keyblade to his hands, having given Oathkeeper back to Kairi and Riku having stolen the Oblivion keychain weeks ago.

Sora started bashing the rock-hard pizza with his keyblade. This continued for five minutes, but when Sora looked at the pizza, expecting to see a pile of mush, he saw his mother's prized marble counters utterly demolished, and the pepperoni pizza sitting there smugly, perfectly unharmed.

Sora screamed (a very _manly_ scream, mind you) with frustration and tried performing Strike Raid on the frozen entrée. He threw the keyblade and missed by a mile; the keyblade ricocheted off of a pan behind the pizza and came sailing back at him.

The keyblade hit him in the forehead, sending him through (yes, _through_) the kitchen window.

Many various sources agree that Sora should have just gone with toast that morning...

* * *

We join Axel and Riku sitting on the sandy shore of Destiny Islands. No, Axel isn't dead. He's simply vacationing in the Islands until KH3. 

Riku smirked confidently and took a sip of his grapefruits flavored soda, "It's your move, Axel."

Axel grimaced and moved his hand towards something sitting on the sand. He gulped and began sweating as he grasped hold of the horse figurine that had, apparently, been carved out of a piece of drift wood. The horse head began shaking as the hand that held it began involuntarily vibrating.

Riku's eyes narrowed as his smirk began crawling towards his ears, "Go, make your move."

Axel shakingly moved his hand three spaces forward and one space to the right, placing his figurine down and hoping he had made the right move; he withdrew his hand and crossed his arms.

Riku's jaw cracked as he smirked even wider, he moved his hand without hesitation. He grasped a figurine in his hand that resembled a castle tower and moved it two spaces to the left, "Checkmate."

"NOOO!!!!" Axel cried as he fell to the sand, not caring as the waves crept up the beach and lapped at his boots.

Just then Sora flew through the air and crashed into the chess set.

Axel blinked, "Y'know, if you had done that two minutes ago you could have saved me from mental anguish beyond my understanding."

Sora blinked up at Axel from the sand and sat up. He looked at his Bond of Flame keyblade and back at Axel, Bond of Flame, Flurry of Dancing Flames, keyblade, Axel, so on and so forth, until… "Aren't you dead?!?!"

"Um…" Axel sweat dropped, "You don't see _anything…_" he wiggled his fingers around eerily and backed into the bushes at the edge of the beach, then turned and ran.

Riku sighed, he was the only one who knew Axel was alive, but _he_ wasn't telling, "Sora, what are you doing here in your pajamas?"

Sora seemed to remember what was going on and looked up the beach towards his house, "That stupid pizza! It won't get the best of me, no it won't!" He grasped his keyblade tighter and started towards his house.

Riku sweatdropped, "Sora? Are you sleep-walking, by any chance?"

"Hm?" Sora turned to Riku, "No, I don't think so, why?"

"Then why are you talking about pizzas?" Riku asked with a raised eyebrow.

"Those pepperonis will not get the better of me!" Sora declared, stalking up the beach.

Riku sighed, but then he had an idea. An evil idea. He grinned maniacally and went off to enlist the help of a few of his _friends_.

* * *

It took Sora while to get back to his house. First he had run into Kairi. They went to the paopu tree on the island and Selphie tripped Sora with a coconut, causing him to go careening into the sea. 

When he was finally able to pull himself out of the water, he tripped and fell face fist into the sand and, since he was still wet from the ocean, the sand stuck to him like glitter to glue.

Next he had to track down his boat and paddle back to the main island where his house was, and then he had to walk through town because he had accidentally wound up on the opposite side of the island from his house.

Now, a half hour later, having been the subject of ridicule and somehow having had and feather pillow glued to his left kneecap, Sora was bound and determined to have a nice, hot pizza.

He stepped into the kitchen and his jaw defied all physical logic, just like his hair, and hit the tile of the kitchen.

The pizza was stood on one end, appearing to be standing up, and wore a miniature army hat that had five stars on the front, evidently to indicate a five-star general. There were pepperonis with toothpick limbs and also wore army hats and there seemed to be a camp on the table made out of, what else, toothpicks.

Sora gaped like a fish for a moment, but didn't get the chance to react other than that, because something that defied all natural laws happened, that seems to be happening a lot in the fic, ne?

The pizza turned to make eye contact with its nonexistent eyes! Wait! Scratch that, it had two pepperonis placed where its eyes would be, and they were cut diagonally, as if the pizza were glaring at Sora.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Sora made a very impressive hole in the kitchen wall as he ran through the islands, screaming bloody murder to find some one who would help him.

Wakka stepped out from behind the kitchen table, clutching a fishing pole with thin, clear, nearly invisible thread hanging from it that was attached to the pizza and laughing so hard he couldn't breathe and was crying tears of mirth, "That was _so_ worth the twenty bucks Riku paid me! Priceless! Ahaha! Now, onto Phase Two! Now what was it Riku said to do….? Oh, yeah!"

* * *

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh………" 

Riku looked up from his paopu flavored ice cream when he heard uncensored screams of pure terror that seemed to be coming from his best friend.

The silver-haired keyblader grinned maniacally in satisfaction, "At last! My plan is coming to full fruition!" He rubbed his hands together and cackled evilly as lightning mysteriously cracked and thunder ominously boomed in the background.

"Hey, Riku! What's with the lightning?" A cheery voice said from behind him.

Riku froze and turned to look behind him and saw the only liability to his plans. Kairi. He scowled, "Oh, I'm just endangering Sora's mental health again."

Kairi flinched as if shocked by a very strong electrical current.

Larxene hid behind some very conveniently located crates.

"Again?!" Kairi yelped, "He still hasn't finished therapy from the last time!"

"Yes, I know." Riku nonchalantly twirled a piece of his über silver hair as he pretended to contemplate, "And your point would be?"

"You… you… grah! I can't even think of what to call you! I'm going to go help Sora!" And thus, the pink-clad goody-two-shoes ran off to go help her boyfriend.

Or… so she thought.

"I don't think so!" Riku said cackling as his hair, seemingly without explanation, spiked into looking like that of a stereotypical mad scientist and he pulled a remote with a very shiny, red button out of some secret, hidden pocket.

He pushed the shiny, red button.

"Waaahhh!" Axel fell out of a plot hole right in front of Kairi, "Ow, my _spine…_ Oh, crap." The Flurry of Dancing Flames said, afraid as he spotted the only female keyblader, "H-hey there, Kairi!"

Kairi hung her head and he bangs hid her eyes from view, though the boys could see her face rapidly turning red with fury, "You… Axel…"

Axel rubbed the back of his head sheepishly, trying to back away inconspicuously. Unfortunately for him, he ran into a crate blocking his path, forcing him to face the furious Princess of Heart, "Yeah, um… S-sorry about Twilight Town and everything… Please don't kill me!" He shouted hugging her ankles in a desperate, pleading manner.

Kairi paid no head to Axel's request as she began throttling the pyro.

Riku winced as he watched the spectacle and mentally told himself to let Axel win at chess out of atonement sometime before KH3. He then cackled maniacally once again and started towards town.

He had a spiky-haired fifteen year-old to drive insane.

* * *

Sora ran screaming through town, ignoring the weird looks he got from other townspeople, in search of the only person who could help him out of his predicament. 

He then spotted a shock of silver hair and his search was over.

"Riku!!!" He shouted, jumping into his best friend's arms like Scooby-Doo always did to Shaggy in those old cartoons, "Save me!"

Riku glared through his awesome silver-bangs at his friend and promptly dropped him on the sidewalk, "What?"

He mentally gave himself a muffin on the inside for being so cool.

Sora instantly shot up, looked around with shifty eyes, as if he was sure a pepperoni was going to eavesdrop, and began whispering in Riku's ear, "The pepperonis are conspiring to take over the world in my kitchen! We have to stop them!" He hissed urgently.

Riku gently pushed Sora away, "Sora, personal space."

"Sorry," Sora said, his eyes downcast, but instantly became frantic again, "But, c'mon! We've gotta stop them!"

Riku sighed, "Sora, there are no pepperonis trying to take over the world in your kitchen. Are you sure you're not still half-asleep?"

"But it's _true!!!_" Sora whined, "I'll prove it to you!" He then grabbed Riku by the wrist and began dragging him towards that fateful kitchen, "If you won't believe me I'll have to show you!"

Riku sighed, "Okay fine, whatever. But if you're wrong…"

He trailed off, letting the thought hang in the air.

* * *

Sora snuck around to the hole he made in the kitchen wall, to hopefully spy on the pepperonis without being caught, he was wearing all black (surprise, surprise), wearing camouflaging face-paint, and humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme under his breathe as he stalked towards the hole in the wall. 

Riku sighed, "I still thing this is a waste of time."

Sora looked at Riku, slightly hunched over with his left eye slightly twitching, "You'll see! You'll see the pepperonis trying to take over the world and then you'll believe! You don't believe, but we knows! We knows! You say there's no such thing as plotting pepperonis, but we warnsed ya, we warnsed ya, we did!" He then trailed off cackling insanely."

Riku sweatdropped slightly, "Erm… 'we'?"

Sora instantly straightened up and said, "Oh, yeah! Me and Tom! See?" Sora then took a red checkers piece that had a smiley face scribbled on it out of another nonexistent pocket, "See-see?"

Riku full-out sweatdropped this time, "Sora… you… know that's a checkers piece… right?"

"No!" Sora hunched over slightly again, cupping his hands around 'Tom' and rubbing them against his cheek in a puppy-dog-affectionate manner, "It's okay, precious. He doesn't know what he's talking about, precious. Myyyyy… prrrrreeeeeccccciiiiioooouuuuusssss!!!!!!"

Riku's sweatdrop could weigh about five pounds now, "Sora? Have you been watching 'The Two Towers' again?"

Sora straightened up and looked about with shifty eyes, "No! What would make you think that?!" He then grabbed Riku's wrist and started dragging him again, "Come on! We're losing precious time!" He froze at the word, "Precious…" His eyes got big and he appeared to zone out.

Riku smacked him upside the head.

"Ouch!" He rubbed his head, but then stood up and coughed nervously, "Sorry, sorry, Golem moment there. Moving on." He walked a few more feet and then they reached the Sora-shaped hole in the wall he had made.

He shoved Riku in front of him and hid behind him, "Look! I can't bear to watch!"

Riku rolled his eyes as Sora cowered behind him and looked into the kitchen, "Sora, there's nothing there."

"What?!" Sora peeked out from behind his hands and looked around Riku, "There's no way there's…" Sora trailed off and he looked into the kitchen. It was spotless and sparklingly clean.

And the pepperoni pizza was sitting on a plate in the middle of the table, a small pool of water surrounding it as it was half melted.

Sora staggered into the kitchen and collapsed to his knees in front of the kitchen table, "There's… no way…" He stared at the pizza.

Riku crouched and walked through the hole in the wall, seeing as it was at least a head shorter than him. He walked over to Sora and patted him on the head. "Go get some sleep?" He suggested.

Sora nodded, not taking his eyes off of the pizza, "Maybe I will."

Riku turned to look at the wall, "Now about that hole in the wall…"

The second Riku turned his head away from the pizza; it seemed to sit up slightly from its imaginary waist to stare/glare at Sora smugly.

"AAAAIIIIIEEEEEE!!!" Was the cry that rang through the small island world as Sora darted from the kitchen and into the old blankets closet beneath the stairs, barricading himself inside.

Riku turned to look at the doorway, smirking, he then look up at the ceiling to see that Tidus had duct-taped himself up there and was holding the fishing pole Wakka had given him when he had initiated Phase Two. Wakka was probably off blowing his twenty bucks on a new blitzball, or some new hair gel, or… something.

Riku grinned up at his partner in crime and gave him a thumbs up. Tidus grinned back and dropped from the ceiling, making sure the duct tape came down with him.

After making sure nothing serious had been broken by his fall, Tidus turned to Riku, "As funny as that was, I'll be taking my payment now." Tidus stuck his hand out to accentuate his statement, and he then grinned when Riku slipped some photos into his hand, "Awesome!"

The photos were of Wakka in a pink frilly dress, drinking a bottle of brown rice syrup, while somehow singing karaoke to Avril Lavigne's 'Happy Ending', all the while have a polka-dotted chicken napping on his head.

Tidus managed to ask Riku a question through his uncontrollable laughter, "How much do you think these would go for on EBay?"

Riku shrugged, "One, maybe two thousand?" Wakka was the captain of the Aurochs, after all. So pictures of him doing this kind of thing during a Truth or Dare game were virtually priceless blackmail.

Tidus walked out of the house, grinning, and Riku went over to the pizza in the middle of the table, he seemed to contemplate for a moment before frying it with a dark firaga. He picked up the slightly singed piece of pizza and took a bite and 'Mmmmm…'-ing in satisfaction.

Mmmm… pepperoni….

* * *

Neassa: Now, didn't that make you laugh? So, you aren't mad at me, right? ... Riiiiggghhhhtttt?!?!?! ((sigh)) Fine! Be that way! See if I care! Oh, and, for the record I don't hate Kairi or Sora or Axel, they're just too much fun to torture! Y'know, before I started doing it I always thought that people were being oxymoronic when they said the loved to torture their favorite characters. But not anymore! But I make my favorite characters mad scientists! ((pulls flashlight out of nowhere and hold it under face)) BWUAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!! ((coughs awkwardly and puts away flashlight)) Sorry, had to get that out of my system! Oh, and one more thing! If anyone knows of any funny Organization XIII (preferably starring Demyx, Axel, or Roxas) that are NOT slash, please let me know! I like stuff like that, and I need something funny to read! Please-please! Thanks for reading! Please cheack out my other stories if you haven't, and please REVIEW! You can't forget reviewing, nope, you can't! 


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